WE’RE THINKING ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER: GUYS, HERE’S WHAT TO CONSIDER WHEN CONSIDERING RECONCILIATION - PART 3

AFTER DIVORCE: All of Part 1 and Part 2, plus...

1. How long have we been separated? Most newly divorced guys go through an adjustment phase post-divorce that can last upwards of a year. There is the financial devastation to recover from. There are parenting schedules to work on and new parenting tasks, like getting the kids to school and to the doctor, to take on. And there is the eventual first date post-divorce. Do not let this adjustment scare you into preferring your “old life.” On the other hand, if you have been divorced for more than a year and have found yourself thinking about your ex-wife, and vice versa, than exploring a new relationship with her may not be a bad idea.

2. Has either of us dated since then? For the same reasons, it is important to distinguish between a genuine interest in reconciliation with your ex from a preference for an easier relationship. Dating post-divorce is not easy, and it will take time, and probably a few failed dates, to get back into the game.

3. How will this affect our children (or other family)? Again, make sure to discuss with your ex what you will and will not discuss with your children and family members. You do not want to give them an unreasonable hope that you will reconcile while you are just testing the waters. That can, and often does, lead to children reliving the hurt from the divorce after they have adjusted to, or at least accepted, that mom and dad are separated.

4. If we cohabitate, what happens to any support order? In most jurisdictions, child support and alimony orders are final orders of the court, even if you do eventually cohabitate with your ex. Be sure to keep these payments current so that do not develop an arrearage with the jurisdiction. In most jurisdictions, what’s worse, these arrearages are not modifiable unless and until you file a motion to change your orders. This means, you could be living together and pooling your income, rather than paying under those support orders, only to find that you have a huge arrearage that you still owe (!) – which causes a lot of additional problems, and could see you facing jail or losing your license or worse – if you and your ex ever call it quits again. Consult with an attorney, and consider modifying your orders before you decide to cohabitate.

5. If we remarry, what happens to our divorce decree, support order and other orders? Similarly, you may be surprised to learn that not all of your divorce decree is extinguished, or negated, if you and your ex-wife remarry. For example, future division of retirement accounts and entitlement to alimony may be based on the years of the second marriage only, not the first marriage and the second marriage combined. Always consult with a divorce attorney before your remarriage to determine what parts of your decree will survive your remarriage.

And, while you are at it, a prenup is not a bad idea to discuss with that attorney too. Hopefully, your reconciliation will be a lasting one. But, if it fails, at least you considered the questions and took these basic steps toward protecting yourself, your finances and your family.

WE’RE THINKING ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER: GUYS, HERE’S WHAT TO CONSIDER WHEN CONSIDERING RECONCILIATION - PART 2

DURING DIVORCE: All of Part 1, plus:

1. Does the court allow a “cooling off” period? Most judges, as well as attorneys, do not want to see a couple divorced if there are reasonable alternatives. This is one of the reasons most jurisdictions have “cooling off” periods between the date of filing for divorce and the date the divorce can be granted. These periods may be as short as 30 days and as long as one year, or more, depending on where your case is filed. Consider whether you can use that period to work on reconciliation so that, if your efforts are unsuccessful, you can continue with the divorce without having to re-file your lawsuit.

2. How far along in the case are we? It is for spouses to get “spooked” when a divorce is newly filed – things are on a train you may not be able to stop then – or to get fatigued when a divorce has been pending for a long time – when things seem like they will never end, sometimes it is easier to just “give in” or to accept the status quo for an unknown future. In either scenario, have a conference with your spouse and your attorneys, if you have them, to discuss options for suspending the case while you explore reconciliation. Also, consult with your attorney separately about the reasons you may be cautious about proceeding so that you can weed out fatigue and/or fear of the unknown from your true feelings.

3. Do our children (or other family) know? Talk about how you will discuss these reconciliation efforts with your children and/or other family members. They are, at some level, involved in your case, and they will have questions for you. You and your wife should be a united front when answering those questions. For children, be cautious about how you describe this time to them so that you do not set them up for an unreasonable expectation that everything will be OK or that mom and dad are getting back together for good.

4. How long should we try this? Establish a timeline for working on reconciliation, and stick to it. Otherwise, you could find yourself maintaining a bad status quo and, if you are residing in separate households, paying double living expenses. Each day should bring you closer together if reconciliation is to work. A month may be appropriate – longer than a month, absent compelling circumstances, is probably not.

5. How will we know whether reconciliation is working? Similarly, write down your goals for this period of time, and monitor whether you achieve them. As examples: Will a counselor be involved? Will we reside together? What issues will we work on? How often will we talk about these issues? With whom? What needs to happen for both spouses to know that neither is “faking” the reconciliation or acting with an ulterior purposes?

WE’RE THINKING ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER: GUYS, HERE’S WHAT TO CONSIDER WHEN CONSIDERING RECONCILIATION - PART 1

In the afterglow of the holidays, with family gatherings now memories and new resolutions made, it is not uncommon for guys to think about reconciliation. After all, there is nothing quite like celebrating the holidays with family to remind us of what divorce is – a family break up, and, for many, a scary future facing short-term, and possibly long-term, loneliness. However, these celebrations are also often times to hide the truth to “keep the peace” at the dinner table, dodge that dreaded talk with uncle-so-and-so about “how terrible divorce is” and otherwise avoid talking about your personal affairs.  That sense of happiness and wanting to be together is often just that – a sense – that covers up, without addressing, the underlying reasons for divorce.

So, before you decide whether to reconcile, answer these questions:

BEFORE DIVORCE:

1. How long has it been since you and your wife discussed divorce? If the discussion is new, or you have yet to have it, then you may be confusing frustration over what is going on in your marriage with a “need” to divorce. Consult with a marriage counselor, together, about how you can resolve your issues short of divorce. If the discussion is an old and tried one and counseling has not helped, however, then now is the time to consult with a divorce attorney.

2. Is the feeling mutual? You both have to be on the same page about getting back together; otherwise, the same problems that led one or both of you to consider divorce will persist.

3. Is the reason financial, physical, emotional, all or none? Divorce is scary. Period. The prospect of losing half your marital assets, or having to pay support, of losing your companion, of having to find someone to date (at some point), and so forth, could force you to forgo filing for divorce altogether. At least in your current situation you know what to expect. But is that always best? Consult with a divorce attorney about your potential financial outcomes of divorce and                 a counselor about how to cope with the divorce process before deciding to call it quits. These professionals should be able to give you a more accurate picture of your future.

4. Who suggested reconciliation? If you suggested reconciliation and your wife is receptive to it, then great! Proceed to questions 2 and 3. However, if your wife suggested it and you are uncertain why, then consider whether the reasons are financial, to buy time, to hide assets, and so forth, and consult with a divorce attorney. If one of you suggested it and the other was not receptive, it is time to consult with a divorce attorney.

5. Has either spouse moved out? Moving out is often the sign of the beginning of the end, and the loneliness that tends to come with living separated can overcome the underlying reasons for deciding to divorce. Consider what the reason is for reconciling – loneliness or a concerted decision by both spouses to work on the marriage. Additionally, consider what the financial consequences are if either of you signed a lease for a separate residence, and discuss how to pay for them.