In the afterglow of the holidays, with family gatherings now memories and new resolutions made, it is not uncommon for guys to think about reconciliation. After all, there is nothing quite like celebrating the holidays with family to remind us of what divorce is – a family break up, and, for many, a scary future facing short-term, and possibly long-term, loneliness. However, these celebrations are also often times to hide the truth to “keep the peace” at the dinner table, dodge that dreaded talk with uncle-so-and-so about “how terrible divorce is” and otherwise avoid talking about your personal affairs. That sense of happiness and wanting to be together is often just that – a sense – that covers up, without addressing, the underlying reasons for divorce.
So, before you decide whether to reconcile, answer these questions:
BEFORE DIVORCE:
1. How long has it been since you and your wife discussed divorce? If the discussion is new, or you have yet to have it, then you may be confusing frustration over what is going on in your marriage with a “need” to divorce. Consult with a marriage counselor, together, about how you can resolve your issues short of divorce. If the discussion is an old and tried one and counseling has not helped, however, then now is the time to consult with a divorce attorney.
2. Is the feeling mutual? You both have to be on the same page about getting back together; otherwise, the same problems that led one or both of you to consider divorce will persist.
3. Is the reason financial, physical, emotional, all or none? Divorce is scary. Period. The prospect of losing half your marital assets, or having to pay support, of losing your companion, of having to find someone to date (at some point), and so forth, could force you to forgo filing for divorce altogether. At least in your current situation you know what to expect. But is that always best? Consult with a divorce attorney about your potential financial outcomes of divorce and a counselor about how to cope with the divorce process before deciding to call it quits. These professionals should be able to give you a more accurate picture of your future.
4. Who suggested reconciliation? If you suggested reconciliation and your wife is receptive to it, then great! Proceed to questions 2 and 3. However, if your wife suggested it and you are uncertain why, then consider whether the reasons are financial, to buy time, to hide assets, and so forth, and consult with a divorce attorney. If one of you suggested it and the other was not receptive, it is time to consult with a divorce attorney.
5. Has either spouse moved out? Moving out is often the sign of the beginning of the end, and the loneliness that tends to come with living separated can overcome the underlying reasons for deciding to divorce. Consider what the reason is for reconciling – loneliness or a concerted decision by both spouses to work on the marriage. Additionally, consider what the financial consequences are if either of you signed a lease for a separate residence, and discuss how to pay for them.