If you are like most divorcing couples, moving out is not only risky (see our articles regarding the cons of moving out), it is financially disastrous. There’s the increased housing expenses, for one thing, plus the burden to friends and family who intend to “help out” for a short time and then find themselves sharing homes for months, a year, or more while the divorce goes on. Add to these the loss of control over what occurs in your home when you are gone and the uncertainty to children, who naturally ask where each parent will live, and you and your spouse, alike, and you have one potent situation should you separate.
But, often, the alternative is not that appealing. It is a rare couple who can cohabitate peacefully while they are divorcing. Instead, the situation at home feels more like a pot of water ready to boil over.
So, what can you do to avoid the costs and uncertainty of moving out, but make things easier while you and your soon-to-be ex live together? Try these --
Set a realistic budget – Your household budget, except for legal expenses, should not be significantly different during your divorce. It is common, however, for spouses to wonder whether the other is taking extra “cash back” or buying store cards and stockpiling them somewhere to use post-divorce. (Yes, we have seen this happen.) This is rare, but to allay each spouse’s suspicion of the other, you and your spouse should sit down together and plot a realistic household budget. Base the budget on last year’s utilities, taxes, mortgage/rent, groceries, etc., and try to stick to the budget as much as possible. Dedicate a space in the home, such as an office file folder, to gather receipts, bank statements, credit card statements, and so forth, and reconcile them at the end of each month. Being open and honest with each other about these expenses will save a lot of headache and suspicion in the long run.
Respect each other’s space – No, you should not draw the proverbial white line down the center of your home. But, you should designate areas of the home that are exclusively each spouse’s, such as bathrooms or a living room and a den, and stay out of each other’s space. This way, you will each have a room to retreat to to gather your thoughts without the other intruding.
Establish time in / time out – Let each other know when you will be coming and going, and consider establishing “in” time and “out” time so that each spouse can bond with the children without the fear of the occasional (and understandable) argument about something pertaining to the divorce. The more predictable the schedule, the easier it will be to cohabitate because neither spouse will be wondering when the other will “suddenly show up” at home and with whom.
Allocate parenting duties – For spouses with children, now is the time to ease them into a parenting time schedule. Pick days throughout the week that will be exclusively one parent’s or the other’s, and try allocating all duties to the parent who has the day. For example, if you plan to have ever Monday as your parenting time day, then every Monday, even while you cohabitate with your spouse, you are responsible for school transportation, meals, homework, bath time, etc. This will allow your children to ease into looking to one parent during the day, before the parents separate households, which itself is a major adjustment for children.
Engage in housing searches – Cohabitation should be a short-term solution. Believe it or not, however, some spouses cohabitate for several months after their divorce because they did not use this time to search for houses. Whether both of you plan to move or one of you plans to move, engaging together in housing searches will keep you focused on the ultimate result – separating. Look for homes nearby, if you have children, and ideally in the same school district and community. Find out what the moving spouse needs to show for debt and income to qualify for a rent or mortgage, then structure your budget (above) and your divorce agreement accordingly.
Though not ideal, living tougher while you’re separating is often the easiest solution – but skip the white tape down the center of the home, and do these things to make it easier instead.